Home is where the Heart is

So tonight I was hanging out in 3H and I was getting a little tired, so I announced that I was heading back home to Choptank.  Ashley says "You're not going home, this is your home."  It hit me that my home is not the place where I live, it is the place where I feel loved, and when I am around all those people, I genuinely feel loved.  I love every single one of you guys, you are all awesome!  I may live in the party dorm now, but I cannot wait to live in 2F, where I know I will have a "home."  I want it to happen now!  But I just have to be patient.  Next year is going to rock!

Not My Idea of Relaxation

So it's Easter, and I'm "home" for the weekend.  I put home in quotes because there are many different definitions of the word "home."

A home can be the place where you feel like you belong, as in the place where you are comfortable and where you feel like you can relax and be at peace.  But my definition of home is simply just the place where I grew up.  I don't feel like this is a place of release.  Going home is one of the most stressful things I can do.  It makes me feel so anxious all the time and I just yearn for going back to school, which feels like the first definition of "home."  In fact the last time I came here, I left early because I just couldn't take the stress of my family anymore.

My parents' separation has been hard on me ever since before senior year of high school.  All I wanted to do was get away.  I wanted to go to school and get out of this hell hole.  Now that that's happened I never wanted to come back, but here I am and I can't stand it.  I feel anxious and can't get things off of my mind.  There's nothing here that I enjoy, except my cats of course.  Sometimes I feel like they are the only ones who don't expect anything of me.

I look at all of my friends' families and they seem so perfect.  Their parents get along, their homes look inviting, their parents seem to care about how they are doing.  They are constantly doing small things just to make their children happy, whether its cooking them food, or giving them money for the road.  My house does not work like that.  I feel more independent than anybody I know.  A lot of teens wish that their parents would get off of their backs, but it shows that they care.  I remember when I left for college, my mom didn't even wake up to say goodbye, I just left with all my stuff.  I can't say how much that hurt.  And that hurt continues to this day.

This weekend, I'm here alone, with the occasional presence of my brother, Andy.  My mom is visiting her boyfriend in Maine, and my brother, Timmy is at my dad's place.  I'm once again all alone.  Some home this is...

I rely too much on my friends to get through my problems.  I feel like sometimes I really burden them to the point where it isn't good.  But lately I have been laying that burden on God.  I have been praying constantly to help me get through this weekend without letting the stress get to me.  He led me to this verse Philippians 4:6-7: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Jesus Christ.

If its one thing I have learned over the past few months is that prayer works.  I think this situation is the catalyst that finally got to me.  I have to pray all the time...about everything.  Jeremiah 29:11-13 says something along the lines of the future is good.  I have to trust in Him to lead me through these tough and difficult situations.  God is my friend and there's no reason why I can't talk to Him as a friend!

I Just Want Things to Work!

So this is my first blog post.  After reading what others have posted, it seems like a good way to express your feelings, which is what I really need right now.

People always talk about coming off of the spiritual high that comes from an awesome week with God.  That's exactly how I feel right now.  Big Break in Florida was one of the most amazing weeks of my life and it definitely helped me grow in my faith.  It was the time of my life and I owe it all to You, God.  I felt so much closer to You after that week.  But now that I'm back at school, I've come off of that spiritual high.  This week especially has been rough on me.  I feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually drained.

One of my best friends from home I can no longer call a friend.  One thing that friends don't do is betray another.  That's just common sense.  I can honestly say that I have never been this disappointed in a friend before.  I don't know what to think.  Should we still try to be friends or cut off ties forever?  This is too big for me to handle alone.

There seems to be a correlation between number of messages in your inbox and stress level.  Mine is skyrocketing and it is making me wonder if it's at all worth it.  Psychology labs are taking over my life as well as intramural games, my newfound leadership on the Events Team, studying for my own classes, helping friends study for their classes, and trying to have a social life.  I have so much to do!  It is making me physically sick.  I don't want to do this anymore.

The I Agree With Charles campaign is winding down and I am so thankful.  A lot of people are saying that the campaign is a real success.  It can be viewed that way, but I see another viewpoint as well.  This campaign only works if the masses of people contribute.  As the new Events Team director, it was my job to round up people to hang flyers and chalk the campus.  At first I only relied on my team, but only James proved faithful.  We only got done half of what we needed to, so Laura and I texted probably 50-60 people combined to help us chalk the campus, but only 1 person came to help us.  We split up and it was the scariest feeling...aloneness.  People were persecuting me saying "I Don't Agree," "F Charles," "Charles is a Fag," and I was all alone.  Where were my fellow Christians?  I lost a lot of faith in the world that day...

All of these things just fit into the bigger picture of my life: nothing ever seems to go my way.  No matter how hard I try, everything seems to go wrong around me.  My family is in the midst of crumbling and I can only watch from afar.  I had to write my mom a $500 check so that she and my brothers could buy food.  This puts me in a bad position financially.  No matter what I do to get ahead I simply cannot!  It is frustrating to the point of insanity!

I don't want to deal with this anymore!  All I want is for things to work and go my way!

Philippians 2: 5-8 "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, and being made in human likeness.  And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death-even death on a cross!"

I've been looking at the things that have been going wrong in my life instead of all the positives.  I have the best family I could ever ask for here at Salisbury, my grades are good, I have awesome opportunities coming up.  I need to start looking at the good things instead of dwelling on the negatives.

God, give me the strength to give myself up for your will.  I want to have the perfect life, but that's not what you want for me.  You have bigger plans.  I love you so much, please let me realize my place in this world and become complacent with it  Even if I am in the valley, help me to realize Your grace.  Amen.

I know that this weekend I will get out of this rut!