Not My Idea of Relaxation

So it's Easter, and I'm "home" for the weekend.  I put home in quotes because there are many different definitions of the word "home."

A home can be the place where you feel like you belong, as in the place where you are comfortable and where you feel like you can relax and be at peace.  But my definition of home is simply just the place where I grew up.  I don't feel like this is a place of release.  Going home is one of the most stressful things I can do.  It makes me feel so anxious all the time and I just yearn for going back to school, which feels like the first definition of "home."  In fact the last time I came here, I left early because I just couldn't take the stress of my family anymore.

My parents' separation has been hard on me ever since before senior year of high school.  All I wanted to do was get away.  I wanted to go to school and get out of this hell hole.  Now that that's happened I never wanted to come back, but here I am and I can't stand it.  I feel anxious and can't get things off of my mind.  There's nothing here that I enjoy, except my cats of course.  Sometimes I feel like they are the only ones who don't expect anything of me.

I look at all of my friends' families and they seem so perfect.  Their parents get along, their homes look inviting, their parents seem to care about how they are doing.  They are constantly doing small things just to make their children happy, whether its cooking them food, or giving them money for the road.  My house does not work like that.  I feel more independent than anybody I know.  A lot of teens wish that their parents would get off of their backs, but it shows that they care.  I remember when I left for college, my mom didn't even wake up to say goodbye, I just left with all my stuff.  I can't say how much that hurt.  And that hurt continues to this day.

This weekend, I'm here alone, with the occasional presence of my brother, Andy.  My mom is visiting her boyfriend in Maine, and my brother, Timmy is at my dad's place.  I'm once again all alone.  Some home this is...

I rely too much on my friends to get through my problems.  I feel like sometimes I really burden them to the point where it isn't good.  But lately I have been laying that burden on God.  I have been praying constantly to help me get through this weekend without letting the stress get to me.  He led me to this verse Philippians 4:6-7: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Jesus Christ.

If its one thing I have learned over the past few months is that prayer works.  I think this situation is the catalyst that finally got to me.  I have to pray all the time...about everything.  Jeremiah 29:11-13 says something along the lines of the future is good.  I have to trust in Him to lead me through these tough and difficult situations.  God is my friend and there's no reason why I can't talk to Him as a friend!