The End...Or A New Beginning

So, I've been home for almost a week now and I can honestly say that I am a changed person. What I have learned this summer will be invaluable in my quest to honor God. I am truly blessed that I got to have this experience. I learned numerous things about leadership and my faith that I can apply to my own life.

1. Realizing what the Gospel really means-The Gospel was just pounded into me this summer, and now I know truly what grace means and that it's not by the things that we do that makes us Christians.

2. Trusting in the Lord for everything-Whether it's money, relationships, education, whatever, bring it before the Lord. There's nothing too big or too little that He can't handle. I saw the results of trusting in God, and it was absolutely awesome!

3. Giving your life to Christ-A lot of people wrestle with how to fit God's plan into their life, when we should be asking how our lives fit into God's plan. If we truly were devoted to God, we would go anywhere and do anything in His name. If God is calling me to be a missionary in China, then so be it. Right now, I don't know what God's calling me to do, but I do have skills that would be fruitful overseas.

4. Being a Christian Man-Through our men's times and the men's retreat as well as reading Wild at Heart, I learned what it really means to be a Christian man. Rejecting passivity, accepting responsibility, leading courageously, loving sacrificially, and expecting God's greater reward. I am part of a fraternity, a fraternity of Christian men that know how to treat Excellent women of God.

5. Knowing God even more-Christianity is a relationship, and the only way to strengthen a relationship is to spend time together. I realized the importance of daily quiet times reading the Bible and praying, just getting closer to God. When we are closest to God, we are most satisfied in Him, when we are most satisfied in Him, He is most glorified in us.

6. Knowledge of the Bible-This is still a work in progress, even over a lifetime, but I feel like I have a better grasp on the Bible. Regurgitating scripture comes more naturally now. This comes in handy when discipling or sharing my faith, especially with atheists or people of other religions.

7. Sharing my faith-Sharing my faith became an almost simple task. My confidence has increased and now, I feel like I could talk to anyone. I now know how to smoothly transition to the Gospel and not make it awkward, because it's only awkward if you make it awkward. I also found out that following up with people is very important to foster their new faith. Letting yourself be the vessel that the Holy Spirit uses is such a great feeling when you come out of a good conversation.

8. Discipling-This is probably the most important thing that an organization like Cru can offer. Having someone older and wiser in their faith is imperative to a young Christian's developing faith. I cannot wait to lead my freshman bible study and be that annoying guy that calls you every week about bible study and Cru! I cannot wait to meet with my guys and have one on one time, because that is where faith is fostered.

9. Outreach/Advertisement-I learned numerous ways to reach out to people to get them to come to FNL, and I cannot wait to utilize some of these to get people to come to Cru. That is how we can get our numbers back up!

10. Organization-I learned how Cru is organized and I hope to maybe reorganize our Cru, so that it runs more efficiently.

These were just a few of the big things that I learned, but there are many more. The community that I experienced there was so intensely god-centered that it's been really hard leaving it. I have made friends that will undoubtedly be standing at my wedding. I love every single one of you SDSPers. Let me tell you of our last day:

Thursday, we decide to stay up all night to get as much time with everyone as possible. I woke up at 9am that day and went kayaking, so I was tired and maybe took a nap. People started leaving at 3am, so we stood along the rail and in the road making uncopious amounts of noise for hours that night. By 5am, the sun had started rising, and people were already crying. I told myself that I wasn't gonna cry. But as the people that I love left, I just couldn't take it. My roommate Caleb left, and I got choked up. Then my other roommate James left and I got teared up. But then 7am rolls around and Deven is taking Bekah and I to the airport. I said my goodbyes to everyone, but then I got to Ryon. Ryon is probably the one guy who I was closest to, being in my growth group and all. When I saw his face, I just lost it. Deven had been doing rounds to the airport and he said our ride was unusually calm. He described each other ride as intense sobbing by everyone lol.

Bekah was flying Southwest to Baltimore through Phoenix, and I was flying Air Tran to Baltimore through Atlanta. Our planes arrived at the same time, so we decided to meet up at BWI. I sat while she got her boarding pass and chatted for about an hour, we still had like 4 hours to spare, but we went our separate ways to our terminals. I picked up my boarding pass and got in line for security when I see Kim and Courtney from project! It was so reassuring having people that I knew with me.

When we get to our terminal, we see Elizabeth, and soon we are accompanied by James, Emily, Anton, Jenn, Heidi, Keller, Corinne, Matt, Tyler, Kevin, Kelsey, Luke, and even more. It was like a mini-reunion! Most of us were on different flights, but I was on the same flight to Atlanta as Matt and Tyler! It was so nice having people on my flight that I knew. It was like a 5 hour flight, but I don't remember much of it at all. I remember seeing the flight attendant doing the safety talk then my eyes couldn't stay open, being awake for about 30 hours at this point. I woke up when we were landing in Atlanta. Then the three of us found our terminal, got some dinner, then my plane left for Baltimore, and theirs didn't leave for a while going to Dulles. So I bid farewell and got on my plane to Baltimore. I slept again and was in Baltimore before I new it. I met my dad outside security and we went to pick up my bags. Then I walked to Southwest and there's Bekah! I said bye to her and told her we would hang out later, since she lives in Reisterstown. Then I got home at around 12:30am on the 8th. What a day! What a summer!

If there's one thing I'm going to take away from this experience it is how much love there was there. I cannot wait to get back to Salisbury and spread that love to others, and hopefully bring people with me to San Diego,if I decide to go back and intern.

Thanks for reading my long post. I only hope that what I've written here has an impact on you and maybe sways you to go on a summer project yourself!

Spoiled

This past weekend I learned something. San Diego Summer Project is actually the most unique stateside summer project. It is the largest by far with 120 students and 40 staff, whereas the average is probably around 40 students. This dynamic of a large project is so inspiring because there will always be people that you don't know or haven't talked to and it's just so much fun. I can't imagine a summer project with less numbers!

IDK if other summer projects do this, but we are arranged into things called growth groups, a group of three or four guys or girls, and this is your small group for the summer. We talk to them and grow closer together in the Lord. Again, idk if other summer projects do this, but it is one way I have been spoiled by SDSP.

SDSP is so different from other summer projects also in the fact that we visit different college campuses around the area, not all summer projects do this. We also started this program called Fireseeds, or the Movement Launching Team at these campuses. Several SDSP students were selected to be a Fireseed. It is their full-time job to go to campus and talk to people and get contacts so that they can start a CRU or strengthen the organization that is already there. Mesa CC and UCSD are going to be starting new CRUs this fall!!! That is so exciting. Fireseeds was such a success that the national office is going to spread the idea of Fireseeds to all summer projects next summer- or those that have colleges around them. SD is full of them!

In conclusion, SDSP has spoiled me. I must have chosen the best project to go on. All 120 of these people are amazing! SDSP has just been a real blessing to me; it has been one of those avenues that has allowed me to strengthen my relationship with the Lord. I wouldn't have my summer project be any other way! In my opinion, all summer projects pale in comparison to San Diego Summer Project!

How Far I've Come

Two weeks and not counting.  I find it so hard to believe that there's only 2 weeks left of project.  When I look at how far I've come in the past 8 weeks, the only thing I can say is that God is amazing.

In sharing my faith, I went from believing evangelism wasn't important 4 months ago, and now I have more evangelism training than 95% of the world's pastors.  I've had 7 conversations in the past 2 weeks that have challenged me beyond my recognition, and I can say that although none of them accepted Christ, we definitely planted a seed.  I can honestly say that I can hold my own now and that I cannot wait to share my faith on campus at Salisbury.  SDSU is cool and all, but I wanna change SU sooooo bad!

I've also encountered Christians coming out of the woodwork at my job, on the beach, at campus, and it's just amazing talking to them.  Their words are very encouraging and it gives me energy to continue my mission out here.

Yesterday, I had a great opportunity to visit the San Diego Zoo.  The world famous one.  Did you know that Pumba from the Lion King was designed after one of the pigs at SDZ?  It's true.  We met the real Pumba.  Be jealous.  We spent almost 8 hours walking around he park, and we still didn't get to see all the animals.  It's just a huge zoo.  We rode the Skyfari, a chairlift that takes you to the top of the hill, and you could see the whole park from there.  So beautiful. 

When I think about all the opportunities I've had with Campus Crusade, all I can think of is wow.  I've been able to visit Washington DC, Panama City, San Diego, places that I've never been, and doing things that I've never done.  Things that challenge me and weird things and cool things and I definitely will not take my time in college for granted.

When I look at how far I've come from before college, all I can say is God is Awesome!

Wrapping it up

Wow, almost 3 weeks left in San Diego.  Time flew by.  I feel like I just got here.  There's still so much I haven't done and people I haven't talked to, and I feel as if I'm running out of time.  I've just got to take the the rest of my time here and not take any of it for granted, because I won't see a lot of these people again, and I love them all!

Anyway, It's been a while since I last updated, but a lot has been going on!  I'm trying to rack my brain as to what exactly has happened, it's all a blur!  Last week's theme was community, and I definitely experienced the Christian community that it meant to happen.  I had more soul-to-souls with guys than in the first week!  I love getting to know other people on a deeper level and sharing my story with them.  It's one thing just to talk to someone, but to have a deep conversation is something that really brings people closer together.  Along with the community theme, we took a day trip to Los Angeles, and we got to sit in the audience of the Price is Right!  It was so much fun!  The set is a lot smaller than it looks on TV.  But they taped 2 shows and 3 of our students from SDSP got to the panel!  Look for them to air on Oct 13 and 14 I believe!

Other than that I've just been living life at the beach.  Going to Belmont Park and riding the roller coaster, visiting CA restaurants (In N Out!), and sharing with people at San Diego State.

I really don't want to go home, but I'm really excited to bring home everything that I've learned out here.  Freshman BOB, watch out!  Big things are coming!  Events team, your sox are gonna be rocked off!  Leadership team, be prepared!  Wyldlife, be on the lookout!

Almost halfway there.

End of week 4.  Almost halfway done.  It's hard to believe it.  Time has gone by so fast.  I've had so much fun and learned so much that I can't wait to see what's in store for me in the next 6 weeks.

I had a big revelation this week at my Night of Reflection.  I was thinking about my family and how screwed up it is, and how glad I am that I'm not there.  Then I started thinking of all the training that I'm getting.  I could be the light in the darkness for my family.  If I told my dad the gospel and had him start a relationship with God, things could get so much better for everyone.  He would no longer wallow in self pity and focus on the future in a positive way.  I need to be held accountable here.  I need to talk to my dad.

This week was the International Dinner.  I'm going to keep the details a secret, but what I will say is that we were all assigned a country in the world and had to be that country for a night.  It opened up my eyes as to how privileged we are in the US both in terms of wealth and of the gospel.  The gospel is widespread here, but some countries have never heard of who Jesus is.  I was assigned to Greece and even today, there is still some hostility toward Christians.  They know the gospel, they just need a kick in the butt to have a relationship with God.

Then the Men's Retreat.  We set up camp in the middle of the desert.  Scorching hot during the day, freezing cold at night.  Nothing like camping on the East coast.  There was a pool, we played volleyball, and ate big, delicious steaks.  Mmmm.  They were so goooood!  But best of all, I got to listen to Dan Allan as he spoke about becoming a man.  I am so excited to have a wife and honor her in every way and just live for Christ forever.  Generation Sigma forever.  It's another secret I won't tell you.  You'll just have to come out to San Diego next summer to find out...

Highest of Highs

This week so far has been a lot of sharing my faith, Big Break style.  We've been doing it every day this week, and it's not over, but here are some of my stories.

I talked to some Mormons with Emily and Jess.  That was crazy.  I did not know anything about Mormonism, but now I know a little bit more about them.  It was funny, they said they said they were from Utah, and I was thinking, uh oh, are they Mormons.  When we got the question about what happens after death, they said "well here's the thing: we're Mormons..."  It turned into them telling us about their faith.  I was so confused, they believe in 3 heavens and depending on the works you do in your life directs you to which heaven you go to, and you can keep progressing in heaven and eventually become your own god with your own universe.  It's crazy.  I didn't know what to say to them without telling them that they're wrong flat out.  So we said goodbye and left.

The next day, I went out with this girl Adrian to share.  We weren't having much luck finding college age kids to talk to, so I was just going to talk to the next person that looked remotely my age.  I saw this one kid sitting on the ledge, so we approached him, and he was really nice.  He said he was from Virginia and he just finished the 10th grade and he was out here on vacation with his older brother and some of his friends.    So I asked the first question, what three words would you use to describe yourself, and one of the words he used was tough.  I asked him why and he said because his parents were divorcing.  Boom, connection right there.  I related so well to Nathan, which is probably why God directed me to him.  He said his desire to know God was an 8, so I asked him if he wanted to go through the KGP, and he said that he really needed it so much right now.  So I went through it with him.  Adrian stood there praying the whole time, and I never stumbled, didn't forget anything, and it was just awesome.  I had never gone through the KGP so smoothly before.  I can attribute that as God speaking through me.  I was only the vessel that he used.  He was so attentive and genuinely interested, that when I got to the prayer, I asked him if he wanted to pray it, and he said that he didn't know.  He was doubtful because he was so young.  I said that he could do it right here right now, it doesn't matter that he's only 16 years old.  So he said he would love to, so I prayed it with him, and he accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior!!!  I've been the wingman in conversations where someone has accepted Christ, but never the leader.  It was such an awesome feeling to know that the Kingdom of God has one more person.  I gave him my phone number, and he said that he would definitely call me if he had any questions or just wanted to chat.  I've never felt so much love and compassion for a stranger before.  I wonder if this is what Jesus felt like.  So pray for Nathan, pray that his pains are calmed and that he just continues to seek out the help of God.

I was on cloud 9, and now I was supposed to meet Taylor, my accountability partner to do a soul-to-soul.  We went to Denny's and spent about 2 hours there until midnight.  I shared my story and  he shared his, and he told me things that he's never told another person, not even his growth group.  I feel very happy about being paired with Taylor.  He is an awesome kid and I know that we are just going to lift each other up and make each other the Christian men that God wants us to be.  His words are so kind and I know that we are going to have a lifelong friendship.

Continue to pray for my job!

Getting Closer to God

This past weekend was amazing, taking a break from job hunting.  Friday was just a chill day.  We were supposed to be job hunting, but I think it was good to take a break because everyone is discouraged and exhausted.  So that was my day to do laundry, and just catch up on stuff.  We've been on the go so much, it's hard to just sit back and relax.

Friday night was FNL, Friday Night Live, which is essentially Cru on Thursdays.  There's an MC, an awesome band, games, and a message.  Dan Allen, the project director, gives awesome talks.  He spoke about the importance of Jesus as we are reading through the book of Hebrews for the summer.

After FNL, we had a DANCE PARTY!  I knew how it was gonna end up.  Cru dances are all the same.  The girls dance together and the guys just jump around.  I was right.  But it was so much fun.  The dance took place outside right next to Mission Bay, and we could see the lights from the city from across the bay, and it was just so beautiful.  Then Sea World let off their fireworks, and it was almost as if they were for us.  Best night so far at San Diego.

The next day, we spent the whole day at the beach.  It was a hot day!  But I still didn't get in the water because the Pacific is freezing,and there were a lot of jellyfish out.  But I still had fun soaking in the sun, playing frisbee and volleyball and listening to music and reading.  I didn't get sunburned, but a lot of my friends did lol.

That night, we traveled down the boardwalk to Belmont Park, where we had a bonfire and sharing time.  We sung songs and shared stories of how we have been affected by God so far.  I actually got the courage to share what God has taught me.  I don't normally talk in front of large groups, and there's upwards of 160 people involved with SDSP, so it was a big step for me.  But God has really been working in my heart lately, just letting me trust in Him.  I shared my financial situation and how money really doesn't matter to get into the Kingdom of Heaven.  If God meant for me to have money, I would have it.  I knew coming into SDSP that I wouldn't be making a lot of money, but I took that step of faith and came here.  I still don't have a job, and the prospects of making a decent amount of money is pretty low.  All I can do is trust in the Lord that He will provide for me in every way possible.  And guess what, Sunday, I knew no mail came, but I checked it anyway, and there was an anonymous note saying that they were praying for me with $40 attached.  That's God right there.

Sunday, I went to church at this high school.  It was a church called the Flood.  It was an amazing church with amazing worship.  I loved it.  Then my ministry team had the responsibility of pairing up accountability partners, so I actually got to choose mine.  We haven't revealed them yet, but my partner is Taylor from NMSU.  I'm really looking forward to keeping accountability with him.

After the project dinner, I drove Ryon's car to Mt. Soledad, which is a mountain that looks over the city and the ocean.  He was really reluctant to let me drive his car, but he let me anyway.  I know the bad things that can happen when someone drives another person's car...  And I had 4 girls in the car with me.  Yeah I'm a playa.  We got to Mt. Soledad, where the famous scene from Anchorman took place (settled by the Germans, name means a whale's ...)  Haha best movie ever.  We arrived and took massive amounts of pictures.  Just looking at the city below us and the sunset to our left was such a majestic sight.  I've never seen a place so beautiful in my life.  When the sun set, the lights from the city were endless.  It was indescribable how many people live in SoCal.  We sung songs and prayed for Project, prayed for the people, the city, the world.  It was just absolutely so awesome being in the company of so many people who are close to Christ.  It makes you want a little more out of your relationship with God.

When I got back to Santa Clara, I was getting ready for bed, when Caleb, my roommate, starts talking to me about his experience at Mt.Soledad.  He said he's always been self-conscious of the way he worships, but tonight he said it was almost as if it were only him and God.  He also said that God talked to him that night.  I've heard of this happening before, and it just makes you think that a personal relationship with God is possible.  It made me strive to get even closer with my quiet times and prayers.

I'll keep you updated on the job front, but that book I was talking about in my last post, Crazy Love, it is written by Francis Chan.  This is a book every Christian should read.  Do it.  I'll lend it to you when we get back to school if you want.  It's a quick read.

Welcome to the Motel Santa Clara

So, I finally have some time to write about my first week and a half here.  So I got on a plane from BWI to Milwaukee at 6:45am EST and arrived in Milwaukee at about 2 hours later.  Then I got on a plane, with what turns out to be a few project people, bound to San Diego.  I arrived there at 10:45am Pacific time.  I got on a shuttle to get to our project location in Mission Beach.  Right when I get there, I do registration and drop my stuff off.  I was under the assumption that we would be staying in Big Break style housing.  NOT!  We are staying in some of the crappiest motel rooms ever.  The girls are across the street in nice condos, which we are allowed in, so it's not that bad.

Ten we went out to buy groceries, and my bank account is very low.  One of the things I'm going to have to trust God for is that he will provide for my own personal finances. That is going to be hard to do.  Then we had to go right into job hunting, since Sea World is refusing to hire anyone this year.  It was hard!  I was tired and hungry, I hadn't eaten anything since 4:00 am EST and at this point it's probably about 2:00 Pacific time.  I went out with this kid Hunter from Iowa State.  He is a real cool kid.  I finally got to eat, relax, and meet my roommates at 7:00 Pacific time-almost 20 hours awake with no food!  It was the best food eva!

My roommates are all real cool.  Lance is in my year and he is from New Mexico State.  Caleb is going to be a senior and he goes to U of Nebraska.  James is also going to be a senior and he goes to U of Wisconsin-Stevens Point.  They're all real cool.  The motel rooms are real cramped and I'm living out of my suitcase, but it could be worse!

My growth team, which is like my small group is also amazing.  The leader is Brenton, from U of Wisconsin-Oshkosh, who is going to be a super senior.  Ryon is going to be a junior and he goes to Oklahoma State.  Jonah is also going to be a junior and he goes to Missouri Baptist U.  The second day, we did something called soul to soul, where each person shares their testimony and life story.  We went out to Point Loma, which has cliffs and stuff, and Brenton shared his story.  His is very similar to mine, with divorced parents.  We walked to a different place at Point Loma and Jonah shared his story.  He used to be addicted to drugs and alcohol, and almost killed someone with a gun, but he became a christian.  After Jonah shared, we went to In N Out, which actually is a christian burger place, with bible verses on the cups and stuff.  After that, we went to Sunset Cliffs, where I shared my story.  Sunset Cliff was the most beautiful place I had ever seen.  It was so majestic in the dusk.  Then we came back and Ryon shared his story on Mission Beach.  He expresses himself through music.  I really enjoy the company of all these guys.  I love them already!

A couple of other guys who live in Manland, (that's what we call it) are Nathan and Benji, my year at U of North Dakota, Jordan, a super senior at U of Wisconsin-Stevens Point, and Joe and Taylor, my year at New Mexico State.  I went to Denny's with these guys late one night, and I honestly never laughed so much in my entire life.  These guys are so awesome.  We had to leave the waitress a big tip because we gave her such a hard time!  Haha good times!

Another highlight is the Staff Hunt, where the Staff dresses up in costumes and hides in plain sight and we have to find them.  Like a scavenger hunt.  This was the funnest scavenger hunt I've ever done!  I was in a group with a girl named Bekah who goes to Bridgewater College, who is actually from Reisterstown!  Wow connections.  And another girl named Emily, who I keep calling Ashley because she looks exactly like Ashley Smith!  Anyway it was the best scavenger hunt, and my team found 34/40 staff.  We won! Haha.

Anyway on the job front, I applied to this place in the mall called The Walking Company, a shoe store.   I had an interview with them today, and it looks promising that I will be hired there!  Yay!

In conclusion, I'm making a lot of great friends, having fun, experiencing new surroundings, and also learning a lot about my faith.  Dan Allen, the project director leads the men's times and he is such a good speaker.  I can say that men's times here are the best I've ever had.  I'm learning how to be a Godly Man, and how to act like one.  I'm also learning to trust in the Lord for everything.  Whether it's a job, support, or money.  Rely on Him for everything.  Tonight was our NOR, Night of Reflection, where we spend 2 hours alone with the Lord.  I never have gotten so much out of being alone.If possible you should all do a summer project.  You will have the time of your life, and you won't regret it!

I started reading this book called Crazy Love.  I don't remember the author, but I've red 2 chapters and it has already changed my relationship with God.  Read it.  It's good.

I'll do my best to keep you updated on the job front and any other cool things that come my way!

San Diego Summer Project First Week

I don't have much time, or internet, to write a lot, but I'll make it brief.  San Diego is amazing.  I'm making a lot of great friends and growing in my relationship with Jesus.  If you can ever, definitely do a Summer Project.  It will change your life.

Mixed Emotions

My freshman year here at Salisbury is coming to a close and I have very mixed emotions.  I am very excited for summer, yet I am also at the same time dreading it.  I am looking forward to experiencing new things in San Diego and strengthening my faith and bringing the things that I learned back to CRU here in Maryland.  I will meet new people and hopefully make some new friends that will last a lifetime.  But one of the hardest things for me is dealing with being out of my comfort zone.  I have never been away from home or school for more than a week.  I won't even know anyone there.  This is a scary thought for me.  I don't know what to expect.  Summer Project is going to be something to challenge me, and, God, I am willing to accept this challenge.  No matter how much loneliness I feel at first, I know you will provide for me and it will be the best experience of my life!

That is going to be what I am going to, but what is going to affect me most is what I am leaving here at Salisbury.  So many people have affected my life and I just wanted to thank each one of you.

Scott Lassahn

James Distler

Matthew Annanie

Jonathan Moynihan

Jeff Richmond

Cyril Mathews

Adam Muhtaseb

John League

John Lorman

Chris Becker

Kevin Billard

Brad Deise

Ashley Edwards

Tara Underwood

Megan Markline

Diana Mitchell

Juliana Humphreys

Caren Wiley

Sarah Newton

Kristie Bon

Nicole Petersen

Taylor Estes

Becky Booker

Holly Aumand

If I were to explain how each of you has affected my life, it would take too long, but I thank God for placing you all in my life this year.  You make me laugh, I can turn to you for advice, and you help me in my times of need.  You all have made my freshman year so awesome and I cannot wait for sophomore year to start!  You don;t know how much I am going to miss all of you over this summer.

During my time in San Diego I will keep this blog updated to the best of my ability as to what God is doing in my life.  I suggest you all read it this summer!

Home is where the Heart is

So tonight I was hanging out in 3H and I was getting a little tired, so I announced that I was heading back home to Choptank.  Ashley says "You're not going home, this is your home."  It hit me that my home is not the place where I live, it is the place where I feel loved, and when I am around all those people, I genuinely feel loved.  I love every single one of you guys, you are all awesome!  I may live in the party dorm now, but I cannot wait to live in 2F, where I know I will have a "home."  I want it to happen now!  But I just have to be patient.  Next year is going to rock!

Not My Idea of Relaxation

So it's Easter, and I'm "home" for the weekend.  I put home in quotes because there are many different definitions of the word "home."

A home can be the place where you feel like you belong, as in the place where you are comfortable and where you feel like you can relax and be at peace.  But my definition of home is simply just the place where I grew up.  I don't feel like this is a place of release.  Going home is one of the most stressful things I can do.  It makes me feel so anxious all the time and I just yearn for going back to school, which feels like the first definition of "home."  In fact the last time I came here, I left early because I just couldn't take the stress of my family anymore.

My parents' separation has been hard on me ever since before senior year of high school.  All I wanted to do was get away.  I wanted to go to school and get out of this hell hole.  Now that that's happened I never wanted to come back, but here I am and I can't stand it.  I feel anxious and can't get things off of my mind.  There's nothing here that I enjoy, except my cats of course.  Sometimes I feel like they are the only ones who don't expect anything of me.

I look at all of my friends' families and they seem so perfect.  Their parents get along, their homes look inviting, their parents seem to care about how they are doing.  They are constantly doing small things just to make their children happy, whether its cooking them food, or giving them money for the road.  My house does not work like that.  I feel more independent than anybody I know.  A lot of teens wish that their parents would get off of their backs, but it shows that they care.  I remember when I left for college, my mom didn't even wake up to say goodbye, I just left with all my stuff.  I can't say how much that hurt.  And that hurt continues to this day.

This weekend, I'm here alone, with the occasional presence of my brother, Andy.  My mom is visiting her boyfriend in Maine, and my brother, Timmy is at my dad's place.  I'm once again all alone.  Some home this is...

I rely too much on my friends to get through my problems.  I feel like sometimes I really burden them to the point where it isn't good.  But lately I have been laying that burden on God.  I have been praying constantly to help me get through this weekend without letting the stress get to me.  He led me to this verse Philippians 4:6-7: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Jesus Christ.

If its one thing I have learned over the past few months is that prayer works.  I think this situation is the catalyst that finally got to me.  I have to pray all the time...about everything.  Jeremiah 29:11-13 says something along the lines of the future is good.  I have to trust in Him to lead me through these tough and difficult situations.  God is my friend and there's no reason why I can't talk to Him as a friend!

I Just Want Things to Work!

So this is my first blog post.  After reading what others have posted, it seems like a good way to express your feelings, which is what I really need right now.

People always talk about coming off of the spiritual high that comes from an awesome week with God.  That's exactly how I feel right now.  Big Break in Florida was one of the most amazing weeks of my life and it definitely helped me grow in my faith.  It was the time of my life and I owe it all to You, God.  I felt so much closer to You after that week.  But now that I'm back at school, I've come off of that spiritual high.  This week especially has been rough on me.  I feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually drained.

One of my best friends from home I can no longer call a friend.  One thing that friends don't do is betray another.  That's just common sense.  I can honestly say that I have never been this disappointed in a friend before.  I don't know what to think.  Should we still try to be friends or cut off ties forever?  This is too big for me to handle alone.

There seems to be a correlation between number of messages in your inbox and stress level.  Mine is skyrocketing and it is making me wonder if it's at all worth it.  Psychology labs are taking over my life as well as intramural games, my newfound leadership on the Events Team, studying for my own classes, helping friends study for their classes, and trying to have a social life.  I have so much to do!  It is making me physically sick.  I don't want to do this anymore.

The I Agree With Charles campaign is winding down and I am so thankful.  A lot of people are saying that the campaign is a real success.  It can be viewed that way, but I see another viewpoint as well.  This campaign only works if the masses of people contribute.  As the new Events Team director, it was my job to round up people to hang flyers and chalk the campus.  At first I only relied on my team, but only James proved faithful.  We only got done half of what we needed to, so Laura and I texted probably 50-60 people combined to help us chalk the campus, but only 1 person came to help us.  We split up and it was the scariest feeling...aloneness.  People were persecuting me saying "I Don't Agree," "F Charles," "Charles is a Fag," and I was all alone.  Where were my fellow Christians?  I lost a lot of faith in the world that day...

All of these things just fit into the bigger picture of my life: nothing ever seems to go my way.  No matter how hard I try, everything seems to go wrong around me.  My family is in the midst of crumbling and I can only watch from afar.  I had to write my mom a $500 check so that she and my brothers could buy food.  This puts me in a bad position financially.  No matter what I do to get ahead I simply cannot!  It is frustrating to the point of insanity!

I don't want to deal with this anymore!  All I want is for things to work and go my way!

Philippians 2: 5-8 "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, and being made in human likeness.  And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death-even death on a cross!"

I've been looking at the things that have been going wrong in my life instead of all the positives.  I have the best family I could ever ask for here at Salisbury, my grades are good, I have awesome opportunities coming up.  I need to start looking at the good things instead of dwelling on the negatives.

God, give me the strength to give myself up for your will.  I want to have the perfect life, but that's not what you want for me.  You have bigger plans.  I love you so much, please let me realize my place in this world and become complacent with it  Even if I am in the valley, help me to realize Your grace.  Amen.

I know that this weekend I will get out of this rut!